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Sibs is learning right along with me. My modelling career came to an end. I knew I couldn’t stay in that lifestyle and be true to what I was feeling inside. So I quit and spent the next several years trying to find a vocation I could give myself to wholeheartedly. One thing that’s clear: life can’t be lived selfishly. You’ve got to get out of your own little world and live for others. I spent so many years destroying my life and other people’s through my own selfishness. I have to keep asking myself: What is there I can do?

Love. And it would reduce me to tears, right there on the train. Here I was, trying to be a model – you know, cool and hard and hip. Sibs didn’t quite know what to make of all this at first. She’d watched me try to astro-project and all that, so she assumed this was just another one of my ‘trips’. She remained sceptical when I began making Christian friends and going to church – a place that at first completely petrified me, because I was completely out of my league and thus totally vulnerable.

As our relationship deepened, I slowed down on the drug intake. But my search for peace was just getting more intense. And so I was reading mythology, and I was trying to meditate with crystals. And then a friend who was also attracted by New Age suggested I try the main religions as well. I’d not been to church as a child so I didn’t know about the Old Testament or the New Testament; I didn’t know much of anything about God, let alone Jesus. But my friend bought me a Bible, and I sat down at the table and opened it for the first time in my life.

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Drained: Stories of People Who Wanted More by Johann Christoph Arnold

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